Contemplative Mood

I should be going to sleep right now, but I am in a contemplative mood and not sure I'd be able to sleep even if I tried. I have several posts I have started and not gotten around to finishing, but I am skipping those for now because if I try to play catch up I will be to sleepy long before I get my thoughts down. I don't know if this is going to make sense to anyone else, but it is how I feel.

I have been in a funk for a little while now. I even toyed with the idea of talking to my doctor about postpartum depression and medication at one point. Up to the day that I finally admitted to Tim that I was struggling, and trying to do it all on my own without letting anyone else in.... As soon as we started talking about it and I let him know that even though I looked like everything was fine, it was only the surface that was calm- things changed. I don't know why I have this drive to keep up a calm front. I want to look like everything is under control, that I am cool calm and collected, that I know everything I need to and that I can do it all by myself. WHY?!? After I talked to Tim, he encouraged me to talk to my parents as well, especially since we were still living with them at that point. It was amazing to me that once I opened the dialogue, the storm inside abated somewhat. And yet I still feel guilt for feeling down.

A friend of mine had a baby three weeks ago. The baby is beautiful and perfectly healthy, and almost lost her mother. Hemorrhage is a mild description of what happened. Through the birth and the following days, Bean lost 2500 ccs of blood they were able to measure, plus some that they didn't include in the tally. A normal adult has between 5000-6000 ccs total in their body. Several very scary experiences, several transfusions, and several weeks later, fortunately she is okay. But reading her story today on her blog got me to thinking.

I know my birth was not an easy one for my mother. In her mind I was three months overdue since they didn't really know when she got pregnant and she'd started contracting in December. The first week of March she was hospitalized for pneumonia, and she went into labor while was there. I am not going to go into real specifics here, for two reasons. One, I don't want to get the story wrong, and two, it isn't necessary for what it makes me feel.

All I really need to say here is that my mom almost died having me. Then, two years later, she was hovering between life and death after having my little brother Jeff. He was born on Dec 23, and my dad spent Christmas Eve trying to figure out how to tell his four little girls that Mommy was never coming home. Fortunately, he never had to give the little speech he prepared.

I was able to attend a baby shower tonight, and it was really fun to sit and chat with my friends. One just found out the hard way that her son has SEVERE allergies. Anaphylaxis is something I hope never happens to one of my children. This conversation took place within an hour of my placing Jonathan upside down on my arm and pounding his back to get the large chunk of bread he was choking on out of his throat. I have to admit, that even though I knew what to do, and even though he was struggling and turning colors, Jonathan never stopped breathing- but I WAS SCARED.

I came home to a little boy that just wanted his mommy. He was SCREAMING but as soon as I picked him up he just snuggled into me and was fine. I held him, and rocked him as he nursed and just marveled at what a special little boy he is and how much I love him. Then, just after I put him down in his crib, I read a blog entry one of my friends recommended. I cried as I read Kelly's journey into loving her newborn daughter, that was not what she had expected. Grieving the loss of her expectation, and realizing that even though her sweet baby has down's syndrome, she is still a part of her heart. Each day is to be cherished and reveled in.

All of these experiences this week have affected me. I realized that part of my problem for the past several months has been that my focus has been off. I have been thinking about all the things I don't have. Not material things really, but situational stuff. I have had several boo hoo moments because I've been lonely. I know that sounds silly because my husband is absolutely wonderful- I just miss him since I don't really get to talk to him without the kids around. He goes to be at the same time they do... And then I think of others that would give anything to have a spouse, or kids... I should be focusing on the things that ARE. There is joy to be found everyday.

I caught a glimpse of this the other day when I decided I wanted to make a special memory with my girls. It was lunch time and they were hungry, but at the last minute I decided to change things up a bit. Instead of making bologna sandwiches, I cut up the bread into small triangles, the cheese into little cubes, and the bologna into little squares. I put everything on little toothpicks, then did the same with grapes, cantaloupe, and strawberries. I found my brightly colored paper cups and plates, and we took it all outside for a tea party. The girls were delighted! It took so little effort, and made such a difference to them. They felt special, and we had a great lunch!

This life is a crazy journey, and for some reason God has given me the privilege of finding my way through with these five amazing souls. I am so grateful for my four wonderful children! They are my reason for getting out of bed in the morning. They are my heart. They are my joy, and I cannot imagine my life without them. I am so blessed to have an amazing partner in my Husby Tim. He is so much better than I deserve, and he loves me better than I love myself. Unfortunately this life is fleeting. Time passes ever so quickly. It amazes me that Jonathan is almost a year old already. I am so glad to know that I will live with my family forever. That after this life is passed, they will still be mine. God intends for us to be happy together, both in the next life, and in this one. I am going to find more joy in this journey now, not just look for it to come in a future day. If I can do just one thing to make each day special, even if it is a little something, and only a little special, I will feel like I have accomplished my purpose. This is FAR more important than making sure the dishes are always done, or that everything is perfectly clean.